Wednesday, May 8, 2013

My Fears, Worries and Testimony

My goal with this blog is to be an example of how to stand tall in a chaotic world. I do my best to be a great example and to do all I can to help build your testimony and strengthen your faith - but today I have to admit (with your permission) I'd like to turn the tables (just for today) and instead of providing strength, I'm asking for it.  

Life is sure getting crazy and sometimes unpredictable. I have to say that over the last six months it's been more difficult to find the joy. Being positive and smiling comes natural to me - it's what I've always been good at doing. Finding the rainbow in every storm and turning lemons into lemonade is the only thing I know how to do well. However, I've noticed a change over the last six months. It seems that the darkening world around us sure knows how to interfere with my happy vibes.

You see, even a few years ago it felt like there was always "more time" so I was able to plan fun goals, exciting projects and see some of my dreams come true. Now, it feels like there are just a few sands left in the hour glass and I need to spend that time as wisely as possible. Like most of you, I feel the major events of the last days lurking nearby. In fact I feel surrounded by them which has put a stop to me chasing my dreams. Just trying to deal with reality can be pretty exhausting.

Dreaming and goal setting have always been the wheels to my positive drive. But I've come to a point where it seems pointless to plan a future trip to Disney Land or work on my three novel series that I would like to see turned into a movie, when it's seeming very likely that world chaos will put a stop to all of that. Every moment that I spend time writing my book I wonder, "Is this a waste of my time? Should I be doing genealogy or scripture study instead?" I wonder, "Will it even get published if society breaks down by the end of the year?" But then I feel good about writing it, because it has a powerful and good message, so I continue on.

I know we are supposed to go on with life and live each day to the fullest and not hide away from the world in fear, but deep down it constantly crosses my mind that all of these things I want to do won't be accomplished - there just isn't enough time.

That's where faith comes in and that's what keeps me going. For example, I really want to have another child (as if three isn't enough). My husband does not and I've been trying to convince him for a long time to change his mind. I've prayed about it, fasted, gone to the temple etc. but so far he hasn't budged. The answer I get from the Lord is "Whatever you decide is fine with me"

Part of me worries that this is the wrong time to be having another child with earthquakes, plagues and war on the horizon. I mean, there might not even be a functioning hospital by the time the baby would arrive. I'm RH negative and I would need a gamma globulin shot in the third trimester or the baby and I could die. My food storage isn't equipped with formula and diapers because of the ages of my kids. So trying to have a fourth baby really stirs anxiety right now. But then at the same time I realize it's a righteous desire and it would be a great opportunity for me to exercise faith in the Lord and cast my fears away.

That's just one example on the list of the many things I worry about. It's very difficult to make plans for the future when you feel like there is not much future left. All I know is that's why it's so important to live by the Spirit. The Spirit will tell us when things are right for us and will be our guide in this scary world we live in, but we need not fear when we have faith in the Lord and a relationship with him. That's what I continue to tell myself each day as I struggle with finding the old joys and excitements that used to be much more abundant.

I know that I am where I'm supposed to be because the Lord led me and my husband here a year ago through miraculous means. I have worried about where I live because many have had visions and dreams about a nuclear bomb going off about 15 miles away from my house in the near future, but at the same time the Lord tells me that I am supposed to be here. I can't argue with that and I really shouldn't have fear if I trust in him.

 We are planning a trip to Germany to see my in-laws and it's during a time that many have speculated will be when the economy collapses and the earthquakes and plagues will come etc. but as much as I tried to plan it earlier in the year it just wouldn't happen - so again I remind myself that everything happens for a reason and I just need to trust the Lord.

For me I think the reason I struggle is because I'm used to having control over most things in my life, but for some reason everything going on in my life right now, I have little to no control over it. That scares me and for the first time ever I've been having anxiety and panic attacks. It's been an eye opening lesson to learn that maybe all of this is happening to help me hand all control over to the Lord and realize that the only thing I really have control over is my attitude and my testimony/faith.

In conclusion, I guess the moral of my story is - if we let fear consume us then it's a lose/lose situation. If we are willing to trust in the Lord then he can remove that fear and bring us the peace we desire. I know the answer to all of this, I mean I wrote a book and a song about it (my music video up above) but I guess because I'm human, every now and then I need some reminding.

I love the Savior and I sure can't wait to see him again. I know that God has a plan for each of us and if we are willing to trust him we will see some beautiful and amazing things come to pass in our own lives. I say this in the name of Jesus Christ amen.


Magee Jaye said...

Thank you!! The way you feel is exactly how I've been feeling. It's nice to know others feel the same way. Makes me feel less crazy :). I want to invest in my business by upgrading my website, but feel like just when I do, that's when the economy will crash and I'll wish I had used that money toward food storage. Same with another baby. I too am rh neg and have to have c sections. I wonder if there will be dr's /hospitals too. We just went to Disneyland and I swear I was so uncomfortable the whole time thinking an earthquake was going to happen any second. This really is no way to live :(. It's quite miserable actually. But once you're awaken...there's no going back to your previous care free life. Sometimes I envy those that are still sleeping, but then I'm sooooo thankful I'm not! It's a very hard balance that I struggle with daily. Thanks for your wonderful blog. Love reading it! Found it through the wood zone :)

Lindsey said...

Hi Magee! Thanks for visiting my blog. My sister is going to Disney Land this summer and she feels the same way about the earthquake. Your comment made me so happy, as you said, to know that I'm not the only one who worries about these things. It really does make life crazy but you just have to go onward. Sometimes I worry about putting too much personal stuff on this blog, but then I'm glad I do when I hear back from others who relate. It's good to know we're not alone ;)