Waiting Upon the Lord

I spoke today at church in Relief Society and was asked to cover Robert D. Hales' talk Waiting upon the Lord: Thy Will Be Done from October 2011 conference. It is such a great talk that I recommend you read.

I have reflected on this topic over the last 6 months as it's the basis of my new book. There is so much to consider when thinking about patience and faith in the Lord. It's astounding. There's just not enough time to cover it all in a Sunday lesson, so I was excited to come home and write about it here.

Elder Hales says, "I have often pondered, Why is it that the Son of God and His holy prophets and all the faithful Saints have trials and tribulations, even when they are trying to do Heavenly Father’s will? Why is it so hard, especially for them? ....I think of our pioneer forebears, driven from Nauvoo and crossing the plains, exercising their agency to follow a prophet even as they suffered sickness, privation, and some even death. Why such terrible tribulation? To what end? For what purpose?"

I searched for thoughts on this from my Great, Great, Great, Grandmother Elizabeth Oakden Whitaker who was a pioneer and crossed the plains. In her biography (speaking about the prophet Brigham Young during the winter of 1854 in Utah) she said, "There was much sickness among the people that winter, including Brigham and his family. Some thought this strange, that he should be ill, being their leader and appointed by God as it were. But he responded: 'All our sufferings in this life are for our good, that we may learn the contrast between good and evil. Jesus descended below all things that He might rise above all things. All men who receive the same glory must abide the same law. Some are alarmed because so many of my family are sick. I have as good a right to be sick as anybody. I do not wish to escape affliction, sickness, pain or sorrow, any more than others wish to escape them; for if we make a right use of them, they will return to us in blessings.'"

How true is that? Great men of God, prophets and leaders from history and the scriptures all suffered pains and afflictions. Moses, Job, Abinadi, Joseph Smith, (to name a few) and the Savior Jesus Christ Himself. In fact, Christ suffered all the sins of the world. So much was His pain and suffering that God sent an angel to help strengthen Him (Luke 22:43). We are told to try our best to be like the Savior from modern day prophets and from the Savior (3 Nephi 27:27). If we want to be like Him then we must experience trials and tribulations, pain and suffering.

So, why do bad things happen to good people? Elder Hales states, "These mortal challenges allow us and our Heavenly Father to see whether we will exercise our agency to follow His Son."

I often think back to a time I don't remember yet the Spirit confirms to me. A time before I came to this earth. I know that we were shown many of the trials and challenges we would have when we came to this world. How could we use our agency to accept this earthly experience if we did understand what it would entail for us? We knew it would not be easy but we understood that it was necessary in order to return to live with our Father and Heaven and to become like Him. In fact, we agreed to many of the trials we would have because we understood how those specific trials would strengthen us in ways that we needed. We did not know how it would feel to experience our challenges with the veil covering our spiritual memory while in mortal bodies but we were anxious to come here nonetheless.

Now that we are here experiencing life's challenges, we have forgotten what we once knew before we came here. It becomes much easier to slip away into despair and hopelessness. Much easier to think, "Why has God abandoned me?" "Why doesn't He answer my prayers?" "Why does He allow me to suffer such pains?" When we search out and ponder through scripture and prayer the eternal perspective of all things, then and only then, it becomes much easier to think, "God has helped me endure this trial - He loves me." "Yes, this is hard, but I feel God's love for me." "These trials are only temporary, as this life is temporary - I will endure."

When I leave this life and am greeted by loved ones on the other side, and the veil is lifted..I know my memory will come back and I will remember accepting those trials and challenges before I came to Earth. I will then understand much better how those trials were supposed to benefit me. I will be sad if there were trials that caused me to give up or lose hope. I will rejoice if I endured them and held onto my faith. I will see and learn how my trials helped others around me that I may not have realized at the time (it gave others opportunities to serve me) and understand how great God truly is. I will also see how angels from Heaven came and helped me in hours when I may have felt alone or overwhelmed. I will see how my prayers were answered - each and every one, even if in this life I may have felt that some were not. My eyes will be opened and I will understand. Because I experienced those challenges in the spirit and the flesh, my understanding will be perfected and my knowledge increased. Thus, becoming more like my Father.

As a parent, I allow my children to experience certain trials and challenges for their good. Though I feel sorrow for them when they suffer, I rejoice when they endure and are strengthened. My children want to be like me and I want them to experience the joys and challenges of parenthood someday. I know in order for them to be great parents and great leaders they must experience trials and challenges to prepare them and strengthen them. As it is with out Father in Heaven. He has been there and he understands. He allows us to experience adversity so that we might understand and appreciate joy. That we may really understand the difference between right and wrong, good and evil. That we are given opportunities to exercise our agency to follow the Savior or Satan. He must stand back and allow us to utilize our free agency even when it pains Him at the choices we make. He loves us enough to let us choose for ourselves. Do we choose to hold onto faith and endure or to give up? No matter what we choose He will always love us - that's how great He is.

That is what gives me hope and helps me through difficult times in my life. Remembering this eternal perspective. Not only do our trials and sufferings benefit us in the end, they also benefit many around us. How could we be a shoulder to lean on for others if we have not been in their shoes at times and understand what they are going through? Trails help us to reach out to others who are experiencing similar trials and love them and lift them up.

I have to say I must be grateful for adversity in my life because I wouldn't be who I am today without it. If life was free of challenges or trials we would not learn and grow. Heaven will be free of pain and suffering and life will be eternal. When we return to our real home, our Heavenly home, this life will have seemed just like a day at school. We will return home from school greeted by those we love.

Now we must remember that God does not require us to understand the purpose of our trials or His will. This makes sense for greater trials such as the death and suffering of a loved one or the abuse of an innocent child. We might think, "Why did God allow this to happen?" Remember that God would cease to be God if he did not allow all men free agency. Thus, if a man chooses evil, often God will allow those actions to take place so that this man might be held accountable for his actions and evil desires of his heart. He will be judged accordingly by God and all things will be made fair. God's justice is true justice. Sometimes God intervenes and spares a life or a terribly incident from happening. Again, we are not required to understand God's will just to trust it. In the end all things will be made fair and we will understand. If we were abused, our pain will be taken away and we will be perfected in the Savior. Remember, Jesus Christ experienced all of our pain. We can find peace and healing in Him.

I truly believe that when we pass away we are given the opportunity to accept dying. If we truly feel we are not ready to die I don't believe God would force that upon us. However, if it is God's will and once on the other side we have that spiritual ability to understand God's will and how we might be needed by Him on the other side we might choose to accept our passing. It might be that we are able to help our loved ones on Earth better from the other side as we have a better understanding and ability to help them. It also might be that we agreed to a certain task or mission before we came to earth that needed to be fulfilled at that time on the other side.

I also believe that those who do not survive horrific tragedies, are relieved from having to experience the pains of death. I believe that the spirit leaves the body before the pain is felt. Thus, that spirit is greeted by loved ones and feels the warmth of the Savior's love. Their understanding is increased and they are happy where they are. They are home and wait to greet us when it's our turn.

As we go through this life and encounter struggles (as we all will) remember that we are not humans having a spiritual experience we are spirits having a human experience. We must learn patience, humility, love and charity. That is why we are here. We must learn to be like our Savior. It will not be easy but it will be worth it. Again, it may not make sense to us now and sometimes that lack of understanding creates anger and resentment. Don't allow yourself to be angry at God. Trust Him, pray to Him and never cease. He will send angels to help you whether they be earthly angels or from Heaven. If we go to Him, talk to Him, plead unto Him and wait upon Him - we will find peace. We may not get the answer we want or when we want them, but we will find peace.

In the meantime remember that trials bring us to our knees which means they help us become closer to our Father in Heaven.

In regards to things that we have been praying for, for quite some time Elder Hales says, "In my life I have learned that sometimes I do not receive an answer to a prayer because the Lord knows I am not ready. When He does answer, it is often “here a little and there a little" because that is all that I can bear or all I am willing to do...Too often we pray to have patience, but we want it right now!

Our children wait upon us to show patience, love, and understanding toward them. Our parents wait upon us to show gratitude and compassion. Our brothers and sisters wait upon us to be tolerant, merciful, and forgiving. Our spouses wait upon us to love them as the Savior has loved each one of us."

I'd like to add that even our Father in Heaven waits upon us. When we become distant from Him or we fall of the straight and narrow path, He still loves us and He patiently waits. We may not always choose things that are pleasing to Him but He never gives up on us. Let's not give up on Him.

To help us be patient, it's always good to take our minds off our own problems and focus on others. By serving others our burdens can be lightened. In addition to that, good music, uplifting books, and positive activities can help us find the strength to keep going and allow opportunities for the Spirit to speak to us and give us answers that we need. Sometimes we pray for answers and then forget to listen for them.

It is my prayer that we will all strive to wait upon the Lord as best we can. That we may never lose hope or faith. I know that by doing so, we will be blessed! I say this in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

Shielded from Danger- (An Experience I Won't Forget)

It had been a long hard week for my sister. After facing some difficult decisions about her marriage right before her birthday, I decided to take her out. She hadn't been to the temple in a long time and asked if we could do that. So, dinner and the temple it was. She was really looking forward to it as was I.

My Mom had called me that morning and said, "Why are you taking your sister to downtown Salt Lake at night? There are crazy people out at night and it's not safe. Take her to a different temple."

I laughed it off and said, "Mom, we'll be fine. We are going to the temple."She repeated herself a few more times.

After a delicious dinner with my sister we went on our way to go find parking for the temple. My sister was following me in her car. I noticed the underground parking West of the Conference Center. I also noticed next to that was a spacious and empty public parking lot. So that was my destination. We pulled in and parked. On our way out of the parking lot we noticed some new pay machines with blue tape on them that said "Coming Soon". We weren't sure if we were supposed to pay or not? After analyzing it with some other confused people we all concluded that they were not yet functioning properly so parking was free.On our way we went.

As we approached the temple my sister looked up at the full moon and said, "Do you think it's true that more people are killed during full moons than any other time of month?" I said, "Yeah, I've heard that crime is always at an all time high whenever there is a full moon." she replied, "That's true at my job. On days when the moon is full all the crazy people call in". We laughed.

Having a wonderful experience in the temple, my sister and I had some great conversations about the gospel, the work we were performing, and life in the spirit world. We noticed that everyone we encountered that night was very friendly. On the way out to the car my sister pointed out how tonight had been unusual for her. She wasn't used to random people walking up to her and striking up a conversation. When we reached the parking lot, a confused woman began to ask us about how to use the paying machines. We then told her they didn't work and she was relieved.

We made our way to the car and started talking about my sister's marital situation. She said that she had gone to the temple for an answer but felt that the answer would not come quickly. I told her that sometimes the Holy Ghost can speak to us in our dreams. It was then I was reminded of the terrible dream I had the night before. I began to tell her about it.

I was with all of my family including her and her husband. We had just checked into a large hotel. The room had several hallways and rooms inside of it. As we all checked into our large room, I noticed that the room was dirty. It hadn't been cleaned. So my sister and I made our way to the lobby to go speak with management. The ladies working at the desk said they couldn't help. So, we asked for the manager. Their looks changed and they told us that the manager does not like unhappy customers. He REALLY didn't like them. Right then, a tall white man (the manager) came charging out of the office and began to chase us towards our room. We knew that we were in danger and that he was going to hurt us and possibly kill us. Once inside our room, we warned everyone to run to the window. We opened the window (2 stories up) and realized we were going to have to jump. One by one each of us jumped.

As each person fell, their fall was softened almost cushioned as they bounced off of ledges and landed in the bush below. We all knew that angels were their helping us and softening our fall but we couldn't see them. It was then we knew we would be safe. My baby girl had been forgotten and she was the last at the window. I was frightened. She knew what to do and she threw herself forward and the angels caught her. As we all began to run away I woke up.

I asked my sister what that dream could mean. She laughed and said, "I have no idea." Right then I told her I had some things to give her and I opened up the back of my car and we put them in the car. My sister then said, "What are your honest thoughts _______." Then suddenly I said, "There is something I need to tell you." I had a personal experience that had to do with exactly what she was asking about. I thought to myself, "Why am I sharing this story with her? It's very personal." I paused for a moment and said, "Would you like to come sit in my car?" she replied "Yeah. Okay."

We got inside the car and I began to tell her my personal story. Very quickly I came to the part in the story where the Holy Ghost had loudly whispered something to me in my dream. He whispered it 3 times. It was a very specific question I was supposed to ask someone that would give me the answer I needed to solve my problem. At this point in the story my sister caught me off guard and said, "Lindsey duck!" So I did. She ducked as well and said "There is a man walking towards your window!" I thought to myself that it was probably just another confused person not sure how to use the pay machine. I wondered why we were ducking.

I looked over to see who was coming. It was then I saw him. A young, thin, white man about 6 feet tall with a large black hoodie on and white sweat pants. The hood was pulled tight around his face and he had black gloves on his hands. I looked closer at his face and noticed acne scars and sores all over his cheeks. He had a blank stare on his face. As he came right up near my side mirror on my door, my sister shouted, "Oh my gosh, he's holding a gun!" I looked, and there it was. A gun! We were shocked. "Look!" she shouted. "He's got a gun in the other hand too!" I looked at the other black glove which certainly was holding another black hand gun. I had never been in this situation before and could not believe what I was seeing.

The parking lot was well lit and we were very visible inside the car. The parking lot was quite empty and we were the only people there at that time. I quickly realized the doors were unlocked and the car was turned off. "My door is unlocked!" I shouted. "Should I lock it?" I then received a strong feeling that locking it and turning the car on would draw attention to us. We were to sit still and he would not notice us. As he slowly made his way across the front of my car to other headlight my sister said, "What should we do?" I said "We call 911!"

I pulled out my phone and realized it was turned off because we had been in the temple. It would take forever to turn back on. To my surprise, I turned it on and instantly it was on. I dialed 911 and had the dispatcher on the phone by the time he had just walked past the second headlight and was just a couple of feet away. As quick as I could I began to spit out all the facts. "Hello! I am located in the parking lot just west of the Conference Center in downtown Salt Lake City. There is a man walking away from my car with a gun in each hand. He's thin, tall, white, has acne scars, and a black hoddie on with white pants!"

"Okay." said the young, male dispatcher, "I am sending officers there right away." He continued to ask me questions about where the man was headed. I began to pull my car out so we could see where he was going. He turned North up the sidewalk. Right then I noticed a groud of young couples walking right behind him. "Hurry!" I yelled to my sister. "Go warn them! Tell them to turn around or they'll be in danger!" She jumped out of the car at lightening speed and ran over to warn the couples. As the look of fright grew on their faces, they thanked her and quickly turned around.

"Let's follow him!" my sister said. "He's getting away".

"No!" said the dispatcher, as he could hear her. "Do not EVER follow someone who is armed with a weapon. Besides, you need to stay put so the officers can find you."

Three minutes later, the officers arrived. One car, two cars, three cars...They all came filing in and surrounded our car. It was just a few days ago that an Ogden, UT police offer was shot and killed by a crazy man with a machine gun. Several police officers were in the hospital from their injuries. Law enforcement was mourning and they were not going to take this situation lightly.

They all began questioning us and asked for our ID. A K9 unit arrived and was on the pursuit. I got out of the car and mimicked exactly what the suspect had done. "Did he point the guns at you?" one officer asked. "No." I replied. "He held them out to the side but wanted the world to see that he had them."

I decided to call my husband and tell him why I was running late. It was almost 10:30 pm. While on the phone, I broke down in tears as I realized what had just happened. The Holy Ghost had told us what to do and the Lord had shielded us from this dangerous man. The Spirit had prompted me to ask my sister if she wanted to get in my car. Strangely, I did not turn my car on for heat and it's winter. My sister had felt prompted to tell us to duck before she saw the guns or realized we were in danger. We were just talking about the Holy Ghost and His promptings when that happened. I was prompted to not lock my door or turn on the car but to wait for him to walk away and call 911. My sister had observed that he had looked at her and began to walk towards my window. When he came up to the car it must have looked empty to him. He could not see us. Were we shielded so that he could not see us? Just moments before we were outside next to the car. What if I hadn't suggested getting in the car? He would have walked right up to us. We could have been in real danger. I felt the Lord with us. We had surely been protected.

As I told my husband this in tears, one of the officers was listening. I told him the rest of the details and then suddenly noticed that all of the police officers were gone. We were again alone in the parking lot. I said to my husband. "Where did they go? They left us alone."

"They said to wait here and they'll be back." my sister said. I wasn't worried, the Lord was protecting us.

Soon, they all came back and I let my husband go. "Well, we circled the block 4-5 times and there is no sign of him. We talked to people who are out and no one reported seeing anything. You are free to go, we'll let you know if we find him."

Did they not believe us? What if he was only visible to us? Why didn't anyone else see him? Oh wait! The group of couples had seen him.

"Officer, there was a group of couples that saw him and they turned the other way." I said.

"In these situations most people are afraid to do anything or report what they see. It's too crazy to seem real to them. You guys did the right thing by reporting it and steering others away." the officer said.

A taller officer stepped forward and said, "I'm not going to ask what religion you are but this could have been a really bad thing. This is the heart of Salt Lake City and Utah, right here. This is where the predominant religion congregates often. A possible target for an angry, armed, unstable person. If a gunman were to go on shooting spree in this area, that would not be okay with us."

"My sister and I just came from the temple." I said, letting him know I was a member of the predominant religion. "We weren't expecting this."

"Where are you headed home?" he asked me. "North." I replied.

"Well, if I could make a suggestion - do not go North. Not only is it not safe, there is big car accident that just happened and traffic is blocked. That's why we were all in the area already. You should go South until you get to 4th south and then get on the freeway to go North." The other officer nodded his head in agreement.

I said goodbye and they walked my sister to her car. As I headed south the next 4 blocks I noticed police cars everywhere. Lined up and down the streets on every corner. They had taken this seriously.

I called the rest of family to tell them what had happened. My mom chastised me for not heeding her warning. I began to wonder if this experience had been good for my sister spiritually. She had realized how fragile life is. We can be gone in the blink of an eye at the mercy of another. The Lord really watches over us. She had just received a personal witness of the power of the Holy Ghost. God wanted her to know that He is there and His power is real. She will get the answers she needs.

I called my sister to see if she was okay and we talked about our experience. The dream I had the night before about being in danger and angels protecting us. The quick promptings we received and heeded. I then finished my story about the Holy Ghost helping me in a time of need. There was doubting that the Holy Ghost is real and had shielded us from danger that night.

Simple thoughts to do what may seem like menial things may actually indeed be promptings of the Spirit and if we heed them it may be a matter of saving our lives. I say this in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

Your Personal Happiness

I have recently been praying for certain people in my life, asking the Lord to help them with their struggles and all. Often times the Lord works through us to help others. Sometimes I forget that. Amazingly this last week, a lot of good books, literature, quotes and messages have been mysteriously finding a way into my life. These messages have all been in perfect line with the struggles that some of my loved ones have been going through.

There is a book I will talk about later, but a couple of days ago I found my three year old daughter watching this BYU devotional on TV. So I listened to it as I cleaned the kitchen. I can't tell you how many times I got chills up and down my spine. I love this message! It's by Jeffry Larson. A lot of it falls in line with the topic of my newest book and I think it's a message everyone should hear. I posted 3/4 of the talk below. If you are able to watch it, I recommend that you do. His introduction is quite hilarious and gives a great beginning to his message. I posted a video link below.
















Jeffry Larson 7/14/2009
What Do You Expect? A Key to Personal Happiness

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“What do you expect of yourself and of life?” and “How are your expectations influencing how happy you are day to day?”

I want to start with two kinds of thoughts or expectations we sometimes have of ourselves and of life that can get us into trouble. They can lead to depression, anxiety, and a sense of failure. Avoiding these expectations or thoughts we carry around in our heads can change our way of looking at the world and, ultimately, how we feel emotionally. They directly affect whether or not we are happy.

The two popular thinking errors we humans seem destined to make and that can cause us much misery in life were first scientifically identified by world-renowned psychologists Aaron Beck and David Burns, both cognitive-behavioral psychotherapists. They discovered 10 thinking errors or cognitive distortions that cause us emotional pain. These distortions are at the root of depression, anxiety, and poor self-esteem. I will focus on two especially common ones and on the related problem of perfectionism.

They are:

• All-or-nothing thinking
• Overgeneralization

Theory and research over the last 50 years show that emotions or feelings are based not on the event or the world we perceive but rather on how we interpret events and the world. This is referred to as the cognitive therapy approach in psychology. Burns’ important book is called Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. It is from that source that I will quote.

Let me refer to a figure in Burns’ book that shows the theory in a simplified manner. It shows “the relationship between the world and the way you feel.” First, “world” is labeled as “a series of positive,neutral, and negative events.” Second, the label on “thoughts” says, “You interpret the events with a series of thoughts that continually flow through your mind. This is called your ‘internal dialog’” (or self-talk).


The third and last label, found on “mood,” says, “Your feelings are created by your thoughts and not the actual events. All experiences must be processed through your brain and given a conscious meaning before you experience any emotional response.” This model emphasizes that we don’t usually just feel an emotion spontaneously; rather, we create our feelings from our thought processes. Depending on our thoughts, we experience certain feelings. This model has been widely supported by empirical research in the field of psychology, and Burns’ approach is generally recognized as one of the most potent treatments in all of psychotherapy for the treatment of a wide variety of emotional disorders. Lest you think (or, shall we say, expect) that problems like depression and anxiety are uncommon, it is predicted that more than one in four of you will have one of these problems sometime during your life. Or you may know someone with these problems and be in a position to help.

Scriptural support for Beck and Burns’ theory can be found in the following:

Proverbs 23:7:

“For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.”

President Ezra Taft Benson emphasized: “Daily, constantly, we choose by our desires, our thoughts, and our actions whether we want to be blessed or cursed, happy or miserable.”

Norman Vincent Peale exclaimed: “Change your thoughts and you will change your world.”

Now let me demonstrate how these cognitive distortions, or unrealistic expectations of ourselves and of life, can harm our mental and relationship health. Let’s first look at the problem of all-or-nothing thinking. This is also called “black-and-white thinking.” When we do this, we think of life’s events and people in extreme categories: black or white, righteous or unrighteous, good or bad. You may think, “Since I flunked that quiz, that means I’m a failure.” Or, “ Since she turned me down for a date, that proves I’m a loser.” (This is also referred to as “catastrophizing.”) These cognitions or thoughts will cause you to be depressed.

What if, instead, you got off the phone after being turned down for a date and said to yourself, “Wow! Too bad for her! She missed a chance to go out with the best-looking guy in Provo. That’s her loss, not mine!” You would then feel less depressed. Of course you may also be exaggerating your own personal qualities!

The fact is, most of what happens to us cannot be thought of in black-and-white or all-or-nothing terms. No one is absolutely brilliant or totally stupid. People are not absolutely righteous or unrighteous. We are all just more or less so! The fact is, much of life is gray, not black or white.

Related to all-or-nothing thinking is the cognitive habit of overgeneralization. This happens when you arbitrarily conclude that something that happened to you once will occur over and over again. It is analogous to dropping a drop of black ink into a container of clear water; soon the whole container turns gray or black. It is exemplified in the earlier example of the young man who after being turned down by a prospective date decided he was the world’s biggest loser.

We use all-or-nothing thinking and overgeneralization in the service of another toxic habit called perfectionism. Perfectionism is defined as the obsessive and rigid desire or expectation that we must do things perfectly or life is not good. Sometimes we apply it to even trivial things like mopping a floor or straightening up our desk. (By the way, a clean desk is the sign of a sick mind!) If something is not done just right, perfectly, we consider ourselves failures. It is directly related to all-or-nothing thinking: Either I am a success or a failure. Either I’m perfect or imperfect. And I cannot stand not to be perfect! Average is not for me!

Perfectionism, or having unrealistic or irrational expectations about ourselves or about our relationships, is a chief cause of depression, anxiety, and obsessive-complusive disorders, as well as relationship problems. Perfectionism leads to procrastination, which leads eventually to paralysis. We call these the three Ps. A college student who was a client of mine several years ago related this story about his perfectionism:

I set such high standards for the projects I did for class that when I thought about even starting a project I would feel anxious and nauseated. That would lead me to procrastinate beginning the project or doing even one section of it. Eventually it led to me feeling paralyzed. I remember staring at the instructions from the professor, getting anxious, then waiting until the last minute to quickly do the project and turn it in the next day. My perfectionism led to me getting less-than-perfect grades on projects. When I asked this young man to make a list of the advantages and disadvantages of his perfectionism, he came up with four advantages

(e.g., he thought he did a better job when he was perfectionistic, although his grades did not show it). He then listed 17 disadvantages to perfectionism, some of them just discussed. He then started reconsidering the value of perfectionism in his life!

Even God does not expect us to be perfect in this life. It simply cannot be done. Norma Ashton, speaking to the BYU women, said:

Know that you don’t have to be perfect. We aren’t even expected to achieve perfection in this life, but rather to make steady progress toward it. We are masochists, sometimes, and I think we allow ourselves to succumb to the failed-diet syndrome—you overeat one time and think, “That’s it. I’ve blown it. No reason to stay on the diet now.” When we fall short of the mark we feel we’ve blown it, that we’ll never be able to measure up to everything we’re told to do. So, in effect, we give up. This thought pattern is a very clever and successful tool of the adversary. We must keep trying, but we must be able to forgive ourselves when we can’t do it all. We can make do with our present and look forward.

This suggests a more rational and productive way to think about life: Just do your best—like my mom said!

I like these quotes from other wise people:

Happy people do their part, do their best, then let go and let God do the rest. They do what they can within their circle of influence.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. (This prayer has been successfully used in Alcoholics Anonymous for the past 70 years.)

These ideas suggest that process is more important than outcome. Burns suggests developing a process orientation to life: “This means you focus on processes rather than outcomes as a basis for evaluating things.”
This more rational way of thinking emphasizes:

“The journey is the destination.”

“Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.”

Let’s apply this process idea to a common problem today: looking for a job. When you are applying for work, do not make it your aim to get the perfect job; instead, make it your aim to do your best to develop a great résumé, contact employers, and interview well. Most people who get a decent job do so after first receiving an average of 10 to 15 rejections. This is because the outcome of job hunting depends on many more factors than just you. The outcome depends on many factors outside your control. For example: How many other applicants are there? What are their qualifications? Who knows the boss’ daughter? So, instead, focus on what you can control, and that’s your effort. If you make a great effort each day, you should feel proud and satisfied. You will feel less depressed and discouraged than if you expect that landing a great job equals success. And you will eventually land a job. Maybe even a great one!

What should we do when we make mistakes? What should our expectations be then? Burns quotes a student, Jennifer, as saying: “It’s good to make mistakes because then we learn—in fact, we won’t learn unless we make mistakes. No one can avoid making mistakes—and since it’s going to happen in any case, we may as well accept it and learn from it.”

Jennifer also said: “We don’t die if we make mistakes!” Focus instead on what you can learn from your mistakes. An example of this for me happened when I was in the U.S. Coast Guard being trained as an officer and a gentleman at Officer Candidate School in August 1974. The platoon leaders lined us up each day at 6 a.m. to inspect for dirt on our uniforms, wrinkles in our shirts, unshined shoes, and even lint on our black uniforms (white lint really showed up!). I got “gigged”—or punished—every time they found anything out of order, even something very minor. When you were gigged, you lost points on a chart, and if you lost enough points, they kicked you out of the program. During the first two weeks I lost 20 points and was getting discouraged. Then it occurred to me that instead of beating myself up over my mistakes, I should use them as learning experiences.

After that, each time I got gigged, I wrote down a note to myself of what not to do the next time. Eventually I was passing inspection every week and not losing any points. Looking back, I know now that the platoon leaders were purposely finding any little mistake to nail us for just to see how we would react. There was no such thing as a perfect uniform after all. If we catastrophized and got angry or discouraged when we got gigged, their conclusion was that we certainly would not be able to handle stress well enough at sea to be leaders in the U.S. Coast Guard. And they were right.

In reality, the secret to happiness is to set modest, realistic goals and then accomplish them. Climbing mountains is important, but each of us has our own mountain to climb. And we decide what a successful climb is!

A good example of using this principle in my own life occurred in September 2008. My oldest son, Geoffrey; his wife, Kerstin; and their son, Cameron, invited me to hike to the top of Mount Timpanogos. Since coming to BYU 22 years ago, I have always wanted to do that—every time I looked up at that most beautiful mountain north of our campus. I agreed to go, but then discovered the hike was almost 12 miles round trip. And of course the first six miles were all uphill! And this was in the heat of the summer.

I was close to 60 years old at the time and not in very good physical shape. But I figured if I took it easy and drank a lot of water, I could make it. And Geoff and Kerstin were experienced backpackers, so I felt safe with them. Plus my other son Dillon agreed to take my 40-pound backpack most of the way up the trail for me.
We hiked for a whole day, and by the time we arrived about one mile from the summit and pitched camp, I found myself exhausted. I had been stopping for a breath about every 75 yards for the last hour. I saw the top of that beautiful mountain and thanked God that I was there! But I also realized that I did not have the physical stamina to go to the very top the next day, plus hike down six miles with a full backpack, most likely in the middle of a rainstorm that was forecast for the next day.

At that moment I changed my expectations! I wisely decided, “I have climbed my mountain! I have seen the top! I have survived a hike I was not sure I would survive!” I was joyous, but I had to fight off the normal protests from my son that I was only one mile from the summit and I might someday regret not going to the very top. I told him, “That’s okay. You guys summit tomorrow. I have climbed my mountain!”

Now some of you may be thinking that I wimped out by changing my expectations in the middle of the hike. That’s understandable. However, had I gone on, I might not have been here today making this speech. Little did I know at that time that the breathing problem I was suffering was due to two clogged arteries
in my heart that were 95 percent closed—a problem that was not diagnosed and treated until just two months ago. Had I continued to the top of Timp that day, I might still be there—buried with a great view!

A funny thing happened later: my cardiologist, who did not know this story, told me after surgery in May: “You can pretty much exercise the way you were before, but don’t go climbing Timp this weekend!” But how does God feel about our lack of perfection? I like this quote: “God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.” What about the times when our expectations (even realistic ones) are not met? How do we best respond? My mom, the fountain of all knowledge, would say, “Count your blessings, it could be worse!” Perhaps she got this counsel from one of my favorite hymns.

Let’s look at the first verse:

“When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed, When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost.” All is lost? That is overgeneralization combined with catastrophizing! Help! All is lost! “Count your many blessings; name them one by one, And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.”11 This is the strategy I try to use when trouble or discouragement shows up in my life. The message here is to take perspective with all your problems. If we compare our blessings to our misfortunes, my guess is most of us would have many of the former and fewer of the latter.

It has been said, “Happy people count their blessings, while the miserable complain about theirs.”12 That’s like complaining that you missed a call on your miniature computer attached to your ear, which is connected to a multimillion-dollar satellite circling the earth hundreds of miles away, thanks to the work of many talented scientists. This device is also referred to as your cell phone. It will even take pictures you can send instantly to your mom! What would the pioneers say if they heard this? By the way, how many of you are texting right now?

As President Monson said, “Everyone can be discontented if he ignores his blessings and looks only at his burdens.”

What about unrealistic expectations about relationships? Here are a few that will get you into trouble. They are from my book for singles called Should We Stay Together? For those looking
to get married here are a few:

“There is one and only one right person in the world for you to marry.”14 This is, of course, an example of all-or-nothing thinking. Fortunately for most of us there are several people in the world we could be happy with. Otherwise, why would people remarry after the death of a beloved spouse and be just as happy with the second spouse?

Another irrational belief or expectation is “Choosing someone to marry is a ‘decision of the heart.’”15 The fact is, if more people used their heads in the mate-selection process, the divorce rate might not be nearly so high.

Next, how about this myth: “Preparing for marriage ‘just comes naturally.’”16 This is called “the myth of naturalism”17—that it’s just natural to know what it takes to be happily married.
You don’t need to take a class! Why

spend your tuition money on that? Everyone knows how to be happily married! We simply learn it naturally from our parents and TV! This is scary when you consider half of the parents
in the United States and most on TV are divorced!

For the marrieds in the audience, here are a couple of marriage myths for you to consider from my second book, The Great Marriage Tune-Up Book:

“If my spouse loves me, he [or she] should instinctively know what I want and need to be happy.”18 This is the ESP, or extra-sensory perception, myth—expecting our partner to be able to read our mind.
Another myth is “Marriage can fulfill all of my needs.”19 No, you still need a close relationship
with God, good friends, family members, hobbies, and a golf or tennis game to be happy, even if you are married!

I hope you don’t believe the myth that “couples should keep their problems to themselves and solve them alone.”20 Too many couples keep their problems to themselves until it is too late and the relationship is so dysfunctionalthat it is nearly impossible to repair, even in therapy. Most couples who divorce say they never went to marriage counseling or they waited too long to go. If they could speak to us now, their message to us would be “Reach out for help before it is too late!”

In conclusion, today I have made a case for carefully considering your expectations and thoughts about life in order to be happier. I want to end my talk with two quotes related to expectations about life from two of my favorite people: President Gordon B. Hinckley and his wife, Sister Marjorie Pay Hinckley.

President Hinckley once quoted Jenkin Lloyd Jones, who said:

Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed.

Most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. . . . Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks,
smoke, dust, cinder and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.
The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.

My mom not only made great fudge, she also had a great sense of humor. Sister Hinckley, like my mom, also had a sense of humor. She said this: “The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache.”

It is my prayer that this message has not given you a headache but rather some ideas to consider in improving your own personal happiness.

By being more aware and then more realistic in our expectations and thoughts about life and other people, we can become happier than we would otherwise by expecting life or others to change for us. I testify that my mom was right and that these principles are true, as I have tried to live them all my life. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.